So you're finally settling down.
You've saved up a little nest egg...
and you're ready to dive into the real estate market.
Let's do a little shoppin' around.
The American dream home. Two bedrooms, two bathrooms...
one doghouse, one garage, two garbage cans.
It's cozy, safe, and just barely within your overstretched budget.
Not for you? For the same price, you can buy...
Two hundred thousand acres of prime Sahara wasteland, put up a cottage.
Nothing but you and the sky.
It's like a beach without the ocean. And talk about quiet neighbors.
Too remote? Oh, I understand.
You need the thrill and excitement of the big city.
With that same nest egg you can get a slice of prime real estate.
Not this real estate...
cozy and affordable this lovely fixer-upper...
is the perfect place for a dynamic couple like you.
No need to putter around the house. It's all right where you stand.
What's the matter? Feelin' a little cramped?
Well, just a stone's throw away...
just one bridge or a tunnel ride...
just outside the big, bustling city...
there is a place with wide open spaces...
friendly natives and spacious dwellings.
And it's all within your price range.
It's almost too good to be true.
When I told you I had a particular building in mind for you...
this is the one I was talking about.
It's a historical home on one of the best blocks in all of Brooklyn.
-Remember what we talked about. -I know. Poker face.
-Built in, built in... -Oh, the kitchen's a little small.
Rip out this awful room divider and you've got an eat in kitchen.
And over here you have your library.
-For your books! -Oh, you like books?
I have a little collection of first edition novels.
Alex is a writer.
The parlor.
Oh my God!
So this staircase, this leads to where?
I thought you realized. This is a duplex.
As in two floors for the price of one?
It's right there in the listing sheet.
So why was it sealed off? Were there...
a slew of murders up there or something?
No, actually, there's just a sweet lil' old lady that lives upstairs.
A tenant?
So, rent control means we can't kick her out, right?
Alex.
That's a legitimate question. No, you cannot...
evict her. She has to decide to leave, or...
poor thing hasn't been feeling well lately.
She's gotta be close to a hundred years old.
Mrs. Connelly?
It may take a little while. She's hard of hearing.
Mrs. Connelly?
Kenneth.
There's my favorite girl. How you feeling today?
I don't feel too good, Kenneth.
I'm sorry to hear that, Mrs. Connelly.
I brought a young couple that may want to buy the apartment.
-Hi. -Hi, Mrs. Connelly.
I'm Nancy Kendricks...
-this is my husband, Alex Rose. -Hello.
We were wondering if we could come in and look around.
Oh, I don't feel up to it. I'm sorry, dear.
Nice seeing you again, Kenneth.
You got shopping a block...
and a half that way. No traffic.
It is ideal. Here's my card if you wanna make an offer.
There's lots of heat on this place. It'll be off the market by Monday.
Adios.
Three fireplaces? This place sounds incredible.
And surprisingly affordable.
Kind of affordable. It's really at the high end of our price range.
But when you factor in that it's a duplex...
-It's a duplex? -Yes.
It's Brooklyn, and we weren't even thinking about Brooklyn.
-That reminds me, did you bring it? -Yeah.
Is this the latest in the Don Pipar mystery series?
Fresh off the presses.
I inscribed this copy to you guys.
Thank you.
I'm sure it's not gonna be as brilliant as your new book but...
there's a couple decent metaphors in there, a turn of phrase.
We forgot to tell them the big news.
-Oh, God, yes. -What is it?
Go ahead.
We're pregnant.
Congratulations.
-Congratulations, man. -I'm so happy for you!
You guys must have just found out.
No.
I'm four months along.
Four months?
-Stop it. -Hello.
I mean we're not gonna want to live here once we start having babies.
And that upstairs would make the cutest playroom.
I don't know if I want Mrs. Connelly coughing on my baby.
You know what I mean. Besides...
Do you realize how much the duplex is gonna be worth...
-once we get both floors? -I know how much it costs.
It's gonna be worth a bazillion times that.
Really? A bazillion. Well, that's an incredible return.
What better way to finish your novel...
than in your own nineteenth century oak writer's nook?
It'd be nice not to have to write at Starbucks with other novelists.
Because you deserve your own nook.
That's my train.
All right, let's do it.
Really?
Oh, my God, this is so wonderful! We're gonna have a home!
-I love you. -I love you!
I could've sworn we had more stuff.
It's gonna look great.
Mrs. Connelly?
It's, Nancy Kendricks and Alex Rose from downstairs.
Look at you.
Hi.
We just, just wanted to come up and say hi.
Oh, what a nice surprise.
-Come in, come in. -Thank you.
What an amazing apartment.
Thank you, dear. Sit down.
We brought you this little house warming gift.
That's very kind of you. Thank you.
I'll open it for ya. I don't drink, myself. It's a sin.
Irish Catholics don't drink?
What are you doing?
I'm just taking a few little pictures. For research.
If I knew you were coming, I'd have tidied up.
Hey, Nancy.
Blow me down.
-What did you say? -You all right?
-Yeah. Oh, God! -I'm coming.
Slowly, but surely.
I'll just turn off this music.
Sit down, dears, sit down.
I brought you a little something to nibble on as well.
Oh, Bugles!
I didn't realize they even still made Bugles.
Here you go.
This is a magnificent parrot.
It's not a parrot, dear.
He's a Macaw. He's named after my late husband, Richard.
I've had little Dick for forty years.
Come on, dear, don't be shy. It's French onion.
Mrs. Connelly, how are you feeling?
Why do you ask, dear?
Well, because the last time we saw you, you were quite ill.
Oh, I had a bit of a cold...
but I'm in fine fettle now.
Tell me about yourselves.
What do you do, Alan?
Alex.
-Alex is a writer. -A writer?
I always thought of that as more of a hobby than a real job.
I suppose I'm forgettin' about Joyce.
Joyce? James Joyce, of course.
-Wonderful writer. -He died drunk and penniless.
Well, Alex's first novel was published in hardback...
and he's just about to finish his second one.
-What's it about? -Well...
I like to call it an urban epic.
It's about three generations of this family in New York...
that owns printing press, and, I...
That's nice. Let me give you a refill.
Big Dick had the taste, too.
He was a seaman.
The drink took him from me in 1963.
We'd been married for fifty-eight years.
1963...
When are you planning on having children?
-Soon. -Yeah, not for a couple of years.
Oh, you sound just like Mr. Connelly.
We never had any children.
It's too late for me now.
Oh, look at the time!
I had no idea it was so late.
The time's rolled on.
We haven't had a chance to see the apartment.
Oh, dear, I'm afraid there's no time now.
Really?
We must say good night.
Oh. Okay.
I think that's your couch.
I think the chair made the...
-Come along, dears. -How could you?
A macaw. ''Any long-tailed...
brightly-colored parrot.''
A macaw is a parrot, I knew it.
Don't you think that, as landlords...
we have some rights to see the back of her apartment if we want to?
I mean...
I'll look it up on the internet.
I wonder how old she is.
Oh, my guess...
is that she's somewhere between 95 and 105.
-She looked pretty good tonight. -Yeah, she did.
She looked kinda...
healthy.
Yeah.
-That's good. -Yeah.
Hello, Mr. Peabody.
Mrs. Connelly?
Yes? Who is it?
Hi, it's Alex. I just was wondering...
if you could turn down your TV a little bit 'cause we can hear it.
I fell asleep.
-I'm sorry. -That's okay.
-I'll do that. -Okay. Thank you.
I gotta go. Bye.
-Oh, and finish that chapter. -I will.
-Good morning, Alex. -Good morning, Mrs. Connelly.
I wanted to give you this back.
I won't drink it and I thought you might want it.
Oh, thank you. That's nice of you.
All right. If there's anything else I can do for you, let me know.
There is one thing.
I'm sorry, but I don't hear anything.
It was very distinctive. The pipes went...
Well, they're not doing that anymore.
If you hear it again...
just come down and get me and I'll run up and take a listen.
All right, then. It's a deal.
-Oh, Alan, dear boy. -Alex.
-Pardon? -Alex. My name is Alex.
-I know. -No I think you said ''Alan'', but...
I don't think so. I don't forget names.
Could you give me a hand with the garbage?
We don't want to be feeding the mice.
What in Heaven's name are you doing with my drawers?
So you'll have room to...
squeeze in the text.
God, you're such a good squeezer, Nancy.
That's because until yesterday...
I lived in an apartment the size of a small child...
but look at the new place.
-Oh, my God. -Isn't it gorgeous?
-There's this living room area... -Nancy...
Did you finish the celebrity scene page?
-Oh. Tickety boo. -I don't know what that means.
It means you'll have it soon.
If you mean I'll have it soon, then why not say I'll have it soon?
I mean, ''tickety boo'' is just confusing for everybody.
-''Mr. Peabody''? -How'd that get in there?
Alex?
-How was work? -Herman's freaking out as usual.
-Were you napping? -No, I was...
No, I was just rearranging my book collection.
-In the dark? -Then I closed my eyes for a sec...
just for to think... Is this dinner?
So, how was...
your nook? Did you get five or six million pages written?
-More like five or six words. -What happened?
Our upstairs neighbor had me running around all day.
-Really? -Yeah.
Well, you've just gotta set some boundaries.
Just tell her that you're working. She'll understand.
-What is that? -I picked up a few things.
It's an area rug. Do you love it?
Yes. How much was it? Doesn't seem to cover too much of an area.
It was two hundred dollars... I don't really remember.
-Really? That's two hundred bucks? -Yeah, but it's a runner...
'cause it goes in between the two rooms and then ties them together.
Oh, and look!
It's an original Pablo Flinch!
Really? Cool.
What is it? Is it like some...
A Mayan guacamole bowl or something?
It's a stool.
Here.
Try it.
What are we, hobbits?
It's a water stain!
I told Mr. Rose the problem with the pipes this morning. They're...
The whole bathroom could have exploded.
471 bucks? Time?
You were here three hours?
Sweetie, these were original tiles. How could you not hear the banging?
I was asleep!
Napping, and in the middle of the afternoon. Shameful!
I'm not going to pay for unauthorized repairs.
I did the work, my friend. I can rip the pipes out of the wall.
What?
I don't know what you're saying.
-Do it! -You do it!
You want to rip them out? You rip them out! What?
Okay, forget it. Plug it up.
I begged Mr. Rose to do something. I was terrified.
The next time that happens, Mrs. Connelly, just call me.
-I gave you my business card. -Alan! Before I forget...
it's the first of the month.
-Right. -88 dollars.
Do you want to count it?
Remember, if she bothers you, just lay...
down the law. Be firm, but nice. Two positives, then a negative.
-What is that? -Psychology.
Listen, don't wait up for me, cause I gotta work late.
-I love you. -I love you.
-Good morning, Alex. -Good morning, Mrs. Connelly.
I wondered if I could ask you a quick question.
Right. You know what?
Can I just say this to you?
I'm working on a book. And this book's due in about three weeks...
and my editor is expecting it on her desk at that time, okay?
-It's a contractual deadline. -I see.
So I have to work on that book all the time here in my apartment...
which is also my office.
If I was a lawyer...
you couldn't come knocking cause you wouldn't be there, right?
So let's just pretend that I'm a lawyer, okay?
Unless it's a really super important emergency...
between the hours of nine and six...
I'm not here. I'm off, away in my office, okay?
And then after six, I'm here. Okay?
I completely understand, and I apologize for bothering you.
Not at all. Okay, have a good day.
It's just...
What?
What is it ''just''?
I bought a copy of your book yesterday...
and I wondered if you'd sign it.
If you're too busy, I can come back...
out of business hours.
No, no.
Oh, that's so nice. You didn't have to buy a copy...
-I have a million copies. -It's money well spent.
Just write something that I can treasure for years to come.
How about...
To my favorite upstairs neighbor...
Signed, Alex Rose.
Here you go. And I hope you like it.
-Oh, I know I will. -Great. All right, good day.
Alex.
I know we've just had this discussion...
but I was wondering if the firm Rose and Rose...
could accompany an old lady to the pharmacy?
It's pissing down out there...
and I need to renew my monthlies.
It won't take any time at all.
Thirty, thirty-one, thirty-two...
-How much is the Nicorette? -US$ 43.97.
I lost my place.
One, two, three...
eight, nine...
twenty two...
twenty-three...
twenty-four...
25, 26, 27, 28. 29, 30.
Okay. Good?
Blueberries!
I thought you were gonna talk to her.
I did. I was very clear with her. It's just...
she manipulated me somehow.
She manipulated you?
She's a crafty...
She's a crafty old lady.
I'll tell you what...
Tomorrow's gonna be better, because you know why?
It's Saturday, that's our day off and we're gonna get to sleep in.
Okay?
I promise everything will be better tomorrow.
Good morning, Nancy.
This is Nancy Kendricks.
Are those musical instruments?
We're a brass ensemble.
We've got a concert at Saint Augustus on Friday.
Let's go out shopping.
-So I'll deliver it this afternoon. -Yes, that's great.
Honey, look.
-Oh! What'd you get? -A Remington Royal. Fifty bucks.
-How much were they asking for it? -Fifty bucks.
Look, I got a peacock.
-Isn't it great? -Cool. What does it do?
It's there to be decorative, looks pretty and aesthetically pleasing.
-So what do we need a daybed for? -Oh, for all your napping.
I took one nap. It was two minutes. I didn't even shut my eyes.
-Hey, what's in the bag? -The answer to our prayers.
Try it next to that one. Then the couch will go...
You know what I just realized that we forgot to do?
We forgot to christen the apartment.
So I was thinking...
I love our home!
-Oh, my God! -What was she doing?
I don't know. You think she saw the whole thing?
Hey, where are you going?
-Now's my chance to go up there. -Wait, what are you gonna do?
The answer to our problems?
-Clapping! -What does it do?
We can control her TV from our bedroom.
You be the lookout. If you hear her coming, knock on the pipe, okay?
-Like, make a noise. -Okay.
Shut up!
Well, hello, little Dickie. I'm back again.
Guess what I've got in the bag?
I got hot dogs. Hot dogs for Dickie boy.
And I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I'm going to give it a wee chew myself first.
It's so nice, Dickie.
It's so good!
I'll tell you what. Shall we have a bit of music?
A little music and a bit of dancing. I'll put on your favorite.
The one you like the most, the one that was Big Dick's favorite tune.
There's a boy.
Holy crap!
Mrs. Connelly?
Nancy? Is that you?
Hold on a sec.
Nancy, what a nice surprise.
I'll make you some tea. It's nice to see you here.
We'll have some tea...
and biscuits.
Honey?
I'm so sorry! Are you okay?
What happened to you? You were supposed to be the lookout.
I know, I know.
All right, here we go.
-Ready? -Yeah.
You're a genius!
That is so weird!
How would she know that? How would she know how to use it?
You didn't leave the box up there or anything, did you?
-Nancy Kendricks. -It's Mrs. Connelly.
Emergency!
-Hurry! Run! -Go!
Mrs. Connelly, you know, honestly, we're going to print today...
and everything's crazy around here. Can't you ask Alex?
I knocked and knocked. He must be in a deep sleep.
He changed the Restaurant Hot List.
Nancy, we have 27 minutes to get this thing to press.
-Now could you get off the phone? -Okay, thank you, Mrs. Connelly.
-Where's my new Hot List, girls? -Almost done.
-Five seconds. -Okay, okay...
-This is it? -Yes.
-Did you check it? -Yes.
I don't want it ''tickety boo'', I want it now.
It's cute, I like it. What is it, eight, nine hundred square feet?
No, it's like eighteen hundred.
But it might seem a little cozy cause of the fireplaces.
So here it is. The third fireplace.
This apartment is amazing.
I'm so glad that you like it.
Relief.
-Wonderful collection. -Thank you.
Just make sure you save some space for the Alex Rose first editions.
Ah, yes.
So...
So what's the ending turning out?
The ending is gonna be great.
I'm kind of circling it, 'cause I don't wanna force it.
Just make sure you turn it in by Wednesday.
Management's being very strict with all of our mid-level authors.
-I'm only mid-level? -Right now.
Of course, you won't be after you hand in your masterpiece.
We're replacing most of the furniture we already have, but...
we're going for a Miller/Eames look.
Nancy, I just got a new piece.
Did you bring that guy with a girl with the leopard thing?
Oh, that's Chick.
That's, the guy who's advising me on the Don Pipar mysteries.
What is he, like a detective or something?
No.
He's a hired gun.
He kills people for a living.
You brought a hit man into the party?
Relax, he's very discreet. He's got a legitimate day job as a cover.
And what do you do, Chick?
I'm a pornographer.
Let me give you a card. You know, just in case.
She's this funny old Irish lady named Mrs. Connelly.
And she's actually in a brass ensemble at the church tonight.
There's all sorts of incredible details.
I mean, I can't wait for you guys to see it. It's beautiful.
Oh, Herman, get in here. I really want you to see it.
Herman?
Being a landlord doesn't give you the right...
to enter your tenant's premises any time you feel like it.
I just wanted my friends to have a look see.
You were supposed to be at the church, performing.
Heavens, no. It's next Friday.
We've got a big week of practice ahead of us.
You terrified the poor woman. You can press charges if you want to.
I don't want to do that. They're such a nice couple.
-Good night, now. -Good night, Mrs. Connelly.
I'm gonna be watching the two of you
Very closely!
-Alex, right? -Hey, Chick.
How you doing? I brought you a little housewarming gift.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Look, this is very tasteful stuff.
-It's for couples. -God, that's so thoughtful.
Thank you.
My card's inside Ass Patrol, in case you need some more.
-All right. Take it easy. -Thanks for the party.
I got an award for this one.
She's supposed to be at church. You can't fire me 'cause you got Maced.
Believe me, I wish that's why I was firing you.
Did you happen to see the Restaurant Hot List?
Oh, my God.
So...
how's Mr. Peabody doing?
Alex.
Oh, no! There's no napping right now.
You have gotta finish your book cause we need money.
-I got fired. -Yeah, I know. I saw it.
-You saw it? -Yeah. It's horrible.
My parents read this. Now they know my penis is called Mr. Peabody.
It wasn't my fault. She's calling me when you were napping.
I wasn't napping, for the thousandth time!
Okay, maybe I took a nap at one point.
When did napping become against the law? Honey...
I can't work here! It's impossible.
I've written three pages in the last six weeks.
Three pages! The book is due on Wednesday.
If we don't hand in the book, I don't know what we're gonna do.
We can't pay for the, for the runners, for the stools...
we can't pay for the Tangillo bowl that you like...
we can't pay for your little happy mug vase thing.
Well, what if you got out of the house for a little while...
and went to write at a Starbucks or something?
You're gonna stay here and try to find work...
while she has you running around doing things for her?
I mean all the little errands and chores she ask you to do?
I don't think you could take it.
I mean, I love you, but honestly, I've been there...
and I don't think you could take it.
I can take it. I'll be fine.
Nancy!
-Hello, Mrs. Connelly. -I couldn't help noticing...
that Alex left the house this morning, while you stayed home.
I was downsized from my job.
Oh, I'm sorry.
But I'm sure it's for the best.
Let Mr. Rose get out there and bring home the bacon.
I always thought it was strange your husband staying home...
while you were out there, providing.
-Well, he's a writer. -A writer?
The man naps more than a newborn pup.
What he's writing about, sheep?
Is there something, Mrs. Connelly?
Oh, I guess you could say there was something.
I've got something on display in my kitchen.
That is not a mouse dropping, that is a raisin.
-That's the leavings of a mouse. -It's a raisin.
I sprayed it with Lysol.
She puts on this sweet face and she acts all innocent.
''Nancy? Could you help me?''
''I found the leavings of a mouse.''
As if she didn't know it was a raisin.
I've never designed religious leaflets, per se.
One o'clock.
Great, Rabbi! Thank you so much.
Nancy? Are you down there?
What is it, Mrs. Connelly?
Little Dick is caught in the dumbwaiter shaft.
How did he get there?
Don't hurt him!
Oh, Dickie!
Be careful!
Shame on ya.
Scaring a helpless little macaw like that.
This is not going well.
I told you. She's a mean, crafty old lady.
At this rate, I'm never going to finish the book in time.
Damn rent control. I wish we could just kick her out.
What if we tried being nice to her?
Maybe we could get her a gift.
A gift?
And ask her if she wouldn't mind leaving.
-We ask her? Just ask her? -Yeah.
Okay, well, maybe it'll take a little begging, but nicely.
She might go for begging.
There's a chart that shows what's inside of each chocolate.
That's all right, dear.
Mrs. Connelly let me come right to the point.
Alex and I are trying to have a baby.
I saw.
-In the living room. -Right.
The thing is that when we do have our baby...
-we're gonna need the upstairs. -I don't understand, dear.
We're willing to pay you.
-Something. -You want me to leave?
Don't you think you'd be more comfortable with people...
who are more in your...
demographic?
In sunny Miami Beach?
I'm Irish. I'd sizzle up like a sausage.
Besides...
this is my home.
Home!
The Emerald Isle!
Back to the old sod.
Well, now...
there's a thought.
I haven't been back home for fifty years.
A caramel.
So, about Ireland...
And you moving there.
Most likely...
they have television now?
-Of course they do. -Yeah, color.
I've made up my mind.
I'll do...
-She's choking! -Do something!
Oh, God!
Come on!
Clear!
-What are you doing? -CPR.
Stop! Stop it!
Oh, God! One...two...three...
four...five. Okay, give her mouth to mouth!
-Oh, no. Really? -Yes, do it!
Okay.
No you gotta blow in her mouth. Come on!
One breath, come on!
Okay, again!
One breath, that's it.
Again!
What are you doin'?
You were choking on a chocolate.
You choked on a chocolate.
Go on, Mrs. Connelly.
The last thing I remember...
I ate one of their chocolates.
When I woke up...
he was havin' his way...
and she was holdin' me down.
-No, I was trying to save her life! -He stole my drawers once.
For sniffin'.
That's ridiculous! She was choking on the chocolate, so I did...
Shut up!
We keep a list of people like you down here at the station.
The sexual predator list.
Sexual predator?
And to think they want to have children.
We should have just let her choke.
I know!
What can I get you?
Listen, I've got twelve hours to finish this book...
I was wondering if I could just sit here and write all day.
Be my guest.
Nancy, I was going to ring you.
I'm afraid there's a bit of a problem up here.
I have to go on a job interview, so I'll take care of it later.
Oh, that's okay. I'll ring the rug man.
Knock it in good.
I don't want to slip and break me neck.
-We wouldn't want that. -This is the problem area here.
It's loose as a Dublin whore.
Now go on, knock it in.
Now, just knock it in.
Come on, use some elbow grease.
Okay, I will.
You threw her down the stairs?
No.
But I imagined it.
And I liked it.
I'm evil.
I'm a horrible person.
Thank you.
Come on, she's practically ruined our lives.
It's perfectly natural to have thoughts like that.
-Really? -Yeah.
I mean, I've even had...
a couple.
Like what?
Just, you know, snapping her neck or...
electrocuting her...
or just beating her to death.
Decapitating her...
drowning her...
just bludgeoning her. In a humane way.
Cut her up into little, little pieces.
But asphyxiating her first, so she didn't feel anything.
I'm glad you clarified that.
You're evil, too.
I'm finished.
That's what I am.
It's incredible. It was like the last sixty pages just poured out of me.
Let's open that really great bottle of champagne and celebrate.
Come quick!
A huge rat just ran under my cupboard!
Come on, quick! Quick!
-Come on, Alex -I'll pop the cork.
I'll be right back. Are you sure it was a rat?
-I saw it's face. -You saw it's face?
All right, well, let's see if we can't find this big, bad rat.
You sure it might not have been a dust bunny or something?
Cause some times they look a little rodent-like.
-The rat! -Where?
There!
That's not a rat. That's like a little field mouse.
Your purse fell into the fire.
Oh, no!
My book!
You'll burn yourself!
Door, Nancy, the door!
-Nancy, door! -Is that your book?
-The door! -Oh, my God!
I'd swear she did that on purpose.
And now, here's tonight's Healthwatch.
A deadly virus has hit New York.
Doctors warn that this particular strain is extremely dangerous to...
children under five and especially to the elderly.
Symptoms include high fever, nausea and violent diarrhea.
Mr. Rose?
Would you sprinkle some salt on the steps?
-They're terribly icy. -You'd better not go outside then.
Mother...
A giant tow truck runs it over...
followed by an SUV that it was...
-dragging. -Alex, that's horrible.
I know.
Can you believe it?
No, I can't.
I tried to warn you, Alex. We'll cancel every contract in breach.
In breach?
I have the crushed Powerbook.
I'm sorry, darling.
If you put as much energy into your work as you do into excuses...
you might have made the deadline. Excuse me, do you have the shark?
I'm gonna have that. No bones.
Hi.
How do you feel?
Like I'm knocking on Death's door.
Well, look who's here. Come in, both of you.
-Hi, Mrs. Connelly. -Happy Thanksgiving.
-Oh, thank you. -How are you?
I'm grand.
But how are the two of you? You look...
rather sallow.
-No, we're fine. -We brought you some popcorn.
Oh, how lovely!
I adore popcorn. So does little Dick.
So did you have a nice Thanksgiving dinner?
Oh, yes, dear.
The Italian lady in the post office brought me a sumptuous dinner.
Only problem is some of the carcass didn't go down the disposal.
That's 'cause you don't have a disposal.
I don't?
It's really stuffed up.
All right.
If you ask me, you two have got some sort of bug.
Thank God Officer Dan took me to have a flu shot last week.
Upchuck is a delicacy for little Dick.
He's salivating.
How much can we get?
Well, that all depends on how far you're willing to drop the price.
First of all, you way overpaid...
-and then you got that tenant. -You said she's a sweet old lady.
I can't imagine those words comin' out of my mouth.
So you're saying that we're stuck in this hellhole?
Unless you're willing to take a huge loss.
-How huge? -Huge huge.
We're just totally screwed, right?
Yeah. I'd say ''screwed'' is apt.
Do you think that Jean would ever give you a second chance?
No, it's over.
Besides, how could I have time to rewrite my novel...
and still do my faithful servant duty...
to her as her little indentured servant person?
Her little buttboy!
Cause if she might need me to count...
grapes with her, or go help her fix her heater...
or go take her to the laundry...
clean her banana skins, clean out her garbage, fill her monthlies...
or go wipe her ass!
God forbid she should have any crap hanging off her ass!
Then I gotta run up there double time, like...
a little bunny with my lil' tissue and I gotta go wipe her little ass.
And then I have to go...
Good for you, Mrs. Connelly, for having such a nice little poopie.
You got some poopie on your diapie? Let me go and clean it off.
-With my tongue! -Excuse me, sir.
-I mean, enough is enough. -Excuse me.
Off we go, Dickie boy.
Okay, come on, come on. We don't have that much time.
I know, she's running errands. That only gives us twelve hours.
You, there. Me, there.
A little salt in her sugar bowl.
-Hey, come check this out. -Roger.
Tripped on the rug. I'm all right.
You sure you know what you're doing?
I rewired the lamp on your desk in your office.
Cool. 'Cause if the shock doesn't get her...
a little bit of gas poisoning should.
Out goes pilot one.
Out goes pilot two.
An hour at three seventy five ought to do it.
Did you remember to blow out the pilot for the oven?
Honey?
Alex...
the stain is dripping on us.
I know.
Isn't it soothing?
Look, we've got a big water stain downstairs...
-so I've gotta look at the pipes. -What's happened to your face?
I just fell asleep in one of those tanning machines.
You look like a roast mutton.
How you doing, mutton head?
I'm almost done.
On the average, she gets up to change the channel 19 times...
walking this 48-inch footpath.
When she gets to the end of the Hawaii Five-Oh next week...
the acid should have eaten through the floorboards.
-And we'll finally be happy. -It wasn't our fault, Officer Dan.
Maybe you should find the plumber. He's the one who fixed the pipes.
-Right? -Right.
We might want to get a hotel room this weekend.
Sweetie...
now that we have a hole in the ceiling...
it might be a new place for the staircase to go.
Yeah, looks good.
-Where are you going? -A little insurance.
-Alex, no. Not Mr. Peacock. -Honey...
Mr. Peacock's gonna have to take one for the team, okay?
That's it.
She's watching Riverdance.
I didn't know people still watched Riverdance.
This is actually harder than it looks.
Holy Mary and Joseph!
I could have fallen right through!
The floorboards here are rotten to the core.
Awhile back, she hired this Russian guy to fix the pipes...
I don't know if you noticed all the water damage that he left.
With all due respect to Mr. D, Alex...
you were up here yourself...
fiddling with my pipes a few days ago.
Fiddling with her pipes, huh?
-That's another fine right there. -For what?
You can't plumb without a license in New York City.
''Plumb''? I can't ''plumb?''
You sassing me, Mr. Rose?
-He's not sassing you. -No, no, I'm not sassing you.
-I'm not. -I didn't think so.
I know a building inspector that eats slumlords like you for lunch.
You got it?
-I get it, a slumlord... -And...
you're gonna buy Mrs. Connelly a brand new TV.
In fact Mrs. Connelly...
I'm gonna pick it out myself.
Could you get one of those clappy things?
It makes my viewing so much easier.
Smoke? Smoke?
Mesc? 'Ludes?
-Gun? -What?
Gun?
-Gun. -Gun?
So this is what it's come to?
I guess so.
I don't even think I've ever held a gun before.
I think I've got everything I need here.
You have an unlicensed gun charge, and then pending an investigation.
-It was an accident. -It's my experience...
that wives don't accidentally shoot their husbands in the penis...
and as much as this particular man might deserve it...
spousal abuse...
is a very serious crime in this state.
You two have a good night now.
He thinks you're abusing me.
Well, you did shoot me.
You were very lucky.
Your hand deflected the bullet away from the tissue...
of the actual organ and just nicked the scrotum.
What about the, you know, the...
the berries?
Do you feel that?
Yes.
That's good.
I'm gonna run a few more tests...
but I think you should be out of here by tomorrow.
Poor Mr. Peabody!
He took one for the team.
I just think that we're going about this murder thing all wrong.
You think?
Maybe we should just keep it simple.
This is so not simple.
Yeah, but you know she triple chain locks the front door at night.
A little more.
Okay.
Where is she?
Maybe she's in her chair.
You caught me.
I can't help but sneak a fag...
once in a blue moon.
We thought...
that you might be cold, so we brought you an extra pillow.
Oh, such consideration.
So unlike the other landlords.
Many have passed through the dwelling below...
but I just know you two have come to stay.
Officer Dan put in my new television.
Fifty-two inches.
And he gave me these noise boxes.
There and by my chair...
so it's like I'm in the cinema.
Oh, it's going to be so wonderful here.
You two lovelies...
me...
Officer Dan.
We're going to be one big, happy family.
The Irish have a saying...
that it's unlucky to come in one door and go out of another.
Something to do with the dead evil spirits and the like.
Good night now.
You know what, dears?
I think I've enough warmth...
as it is.
Good night.
That was, without question, the weirdest seven minutes of my life.
Captain Connelly battled waves...
twice the size of that!
Didn't he, little Dick?
We're just gonna be one big, happy family!
What is it us?
Are we doing such a bad job of trying to kill her?
It's not our fault! She's a freak of nature!
I thought you were supposed to get rid of these.
I did.
That's strange. I don't know how they got there.
-Yeah, right. -Ass Patrol!
Hand me that Ass Patrol.
Now, depending on her mood, she could be watching TV...
over here or sneaking a cigarette over there.
I realize that this is just horribly cluttered.
When we get in there, we're gonna go for a much cleaner look.
What?
Sorry.
What's the easiest way into this hag's place?
Well, we found...
-the dumbwaiter... -Yeah.
And you really don't have to pull that hard to climb it.
We could even leave the back door open for you.
So, Chick...
how much is this gonna set us back?
Twenty-five K.
Okay, cause we had had a slightly different figure...
in our heads.
We're thinking maybe something a little closer to, like...
half a K?
The bottom line price for wet work is twenty-five thousand dollars.
Okay.
When do you think you could do it?
-I'll do it Thursday night. -Christmas Eve?
I have a little function to go to, then I'll swing by and get it done.
Put the cash in the dumbwaiter. Got it?
-Got it! -Okay!
Cool.
Don't forget your computer.
Thanks.
Good night.
Okay, now all we need is twenty-five thousand dollars.
''Pipar grabbed the leash of the only partner he'd ever known...
and the private eye and his trusty Jack Russell headed downtown.
'It's just one of those things worth killing for, huh, Sonny?'''
We'll take a break and come back for some Q and A.
-Dental surgery. -Twenty-five thousand dollars?
The thing is, you know, with Nancy losing her job and...
with the mortgage, and now with me losing my book contract...
things have gotten kinda desperate...
and I wouldn't even be asking if it wasn't serious.
-Did you get the money? -No, he didn't think I needed it.
But, I did get a nice, new signed first edition for my collection.
He wrote it in four days.
Listen to this... Let's see...
''Her hair was bright yellow...
like the color of your pee after you take a mulltivitamin.''
That's a nice, nice metaphor. Asshole!
Stupid, frigging asshole! I hate you and your...
stupid Don Pipar mysteries and your stupid pregnant wife...
who's gonna have a little baby that has a frigging sixpack...
because his mother never eats!
Honey.
Honey, we're gonna get that money.
How?
How are we gonna get twenty-five thousand dollars in two days?
No.
Not Mr. Peacock.
Merry Christmas!
Good, kids. That is good!
Now you save those voices for the neighbors, okay?
Officer Dan, what a pleasant surprise.
What can we do for you?
I have some holiday cookies I want to take up to Mrs. Connelly.
Oh That's nice.
-No, I'll take them up myself. -I'll bring them up for you.
If you don't mind...
I don't think she's even up there.
She's not, so you should just leave it at the door.
Cut that out!
Stop it! Stop it! What the heck is goin' on?
There are kids here.
I knew there was domestic abuse in this house.
I'm gonna come back in ten minutes. Come on, kids, let's go.
Good save.
I knew they'd send a pro.
-Oh! You shot me! -I shot you!
Who are you bringing a knife to a gunfight?
What's he doing?
He's doing his job.
If you want to dance with me...
you've got to buy me a drink first.
Is that smoke?
Get off me, you crazy bitch!
-Wait! -What?
What?
You all right? You okay?
Where's little Dickie?
Dickie, Dickie. Here you go.
Dickie!
I never thought you had it in you.
Thank God I bought that fire extinguisher.
-We're just trying to help her out. -Yeah, her and little Dickie.
I'll just write this citation up for the electricity.
Thank you!
Believe it or not, I need two more autographs and that will be it.
-How's the new place working out? -It's cute.
I tell you, the Bronx is an up and coming borough.
You didn't lie, Kenneth. It all looks incredible.
I told you they'd fix it up, didn't I?
Friedmans, meet Alex and Nancy.
We can't thank you enough.
This is just a dream house. It's so quiet.
Honey, won't this be perfect for your sleep disorder?
I'm drowsy already.
Hey, who wants to run upstairs and say hello?
-Well, we should get going. -We should. We have to...
-We should. -Yeah.
Nonsense. You pulled the woman out of a burning building!
You'd break her heart if you didn't say good-bye. Come on!
Mrs. Connelly, I brought you a surprise.
Mrs. Connelly.
The hearing on this one.
Look who's here.
She's asleep. Sweetheart!
She's stiff as a board.
No, she's just hard of hearing.
Mrs. Connelly!
She's dead.
Oh, poor thing.
No.
She can't be dead.
I guess it was just her time.
Come on, I'll call the Friedmans.
You don't have to stay here for this. You've done enough.
Come on!
It must have been all the excitement.
I can't believe it.
She was so full of life.
I mean...
for all our differences, that old lady really had a lot of...
-spunk. -A lot of it.
Do you think she's up in Heaven?
I'll tell you somethin'. Wherever she is...
she's in a better place.
You should have seen their faces when I said she was...
a goner. I thought they're gonna faint right there on the spot.
I wish I could have been there!
Trust me, it wasn't easy holding my breath for that long.
Next time, I want a bigger cut of your commission, Kenny.
What are you talking about? We give you everything, Ma.
There's barely enough left over...
for Danny and I to have a little cruise to the Caribbean.
I'm the one putting my caboose on the line.
Oh, come on, you had it easy with Alex and Nancy.
They were a nice couple. I do hope they'll be all right.
Oh, they'll be fine.
He's a writer. They thrive on adversity.
I hope his next book is better than his last one.
Maybe this time he'll write about something he knows.
Alex and Nancy's dream house may have been too good to be true...
but did they live happily ever after?
Well, read the book.